do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
