Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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