omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My pussy is not your playground.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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