apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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