Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
