Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
His nipple licking is glorious
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