Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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