And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
