I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
