see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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