took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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