I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
