After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
