he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
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She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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