I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Found your dick twin last night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
