so that wasnt chicken after all
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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