So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
