Sry I called you an 8
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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