Where is the hickey?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's just like the Real World with babies
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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