Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
