I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
