Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
