so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
