my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Everclear isn't food dammit
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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