you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
