you guys were way drunker than both of me
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
