turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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