He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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