I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
