At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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