Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
