dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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