just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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