I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
