i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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