I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
