i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
