Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
