we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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