I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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