Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
either way he was missing a nipple.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
