I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize