Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dick very happy bro
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
