I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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