First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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