I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
