and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
