I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
