Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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