somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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