god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
