I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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