She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
