I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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