he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
