The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
not ubering you a puppy
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
