I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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